How to Survive Desi Weddings (PART I):

             A couple of weeks back, I attended 3 back to back wedding functions and there were so many life changing lessons I learnt, like for example, if you have started to work out again, make sure not to go overboard with exercises like squats. Stiff legs and high heels don’t go well. You’ll just look like a T-Rex trying to maneuver its way through the entire function, trying its best not to trip and fall on people.

           Another important lesson I learnt during these weddings was that getting your mother to ask the incredibly handsome man's name (who is sitting right across your table) is a fail idea. Anyway, this post is not about life lessons learnt at life changing events like weddings, it’s about how to survive these functions.  Read on to know more about this handy survival guide.

Courtesy is Thy Name:                                                                  

If you are stuck at a mehndi function, say your polite Assalamoalikums and Walekumasalams to all the uncles and aunties and chachas and chachis and mamus and mamis…just everyone, okay. Try not to miss anyone because chances are the people that you’ve missed will hunt your parents down and complain how they thought you were such a well brought up child, but are not and they are just so disappointed in you.

Be Humane:

A lot is happening at a Desi wedding. You will usually find something to do. For example, my mom ditched me at a mehndi function to sit with her friends and I was sitting all alone. I think, I pouted for like an hour and then just got really bored of pouting. So, I decided to serve the humanity instead.

There were a couple of girls my age, who wanted to get a group photograph taken, I volunteered. I took pictures from a compact camera, with flash, without flash, then with a phone’s camera ( which was a really, really sleek phone and had an even sleeker result! I briefly entertained the idea of taking the phone home with me).

Other simple ways of serving humanity, at wedding functions:

Bring food and drinks for other wedding guests. (This is also a great opportunity to fill your own plate with more food without Aunties having an eyeful of your plate and telling you to go on a diet. Or telling stories about their own daughters/daughter-in-laws who live on apples and sometimes don’t eat apples, either, so basically, they are just living on air and water, hein?)

Serving a few bits and pieces of food to the stray cats under your table.

Update Your Playlists:

Family and friends of the bride and the groom usually have a few dance numbers prepared, too. You can watch those and try your best not to laugh at the boy who tries too hard to dance like Prabhu Deva. You will notice that there will be many songs, played at the wedding, which you initially hated, but by the end of the function, you might like them.

For example, I really did not like Lungi Dance at all, but at the mehndi, they danced on it so many times that I started to like it. My favorite part was where Honey Singh goes ‘Meray Baray Mey Wikipedia pey parh lo.’ Classic, Honey, just classic.

Look for Lookalikes:

Another really handy tip which I use when I get bored, at functions, is to look for lookalikes. I’m so into it that now it just happens automatically. For example, when they served the food at the mehndi, there was a person I spotted near a tandoor who looked exactly the same as one of my acquaintance’s husband. The resemblance was uncanny.

The Aunties:

First thing's first, you should know how to spot the Aunty Brigade. They are usually the life of the party, loud, obnoxious and with eyes which could see right through you. At functions, they sit together and look for innocent people to judge on.

If you spot them, plan a quick detour. However, if they get to you first or your planning skills have totally ditched you, remain calm. Take a deep breath and relax. Try recalling a Dalai Lama quote to really calm yourself.

Smile and greet them. Before they get a chance to say something nasty about you like ‘Beta, what happened to you? To your hair? To your face? To your existence?’  make an excuse like you are looking for the toilet and will be RIGHT BACK to play 21 Questions with them.

Not all aunty brigades are mean. Some might even surprise you by saying something nice about you. Accept the compliments, graciously.

What is Life?

The back to back weddings I attended were of really close family friends. However, if you find yourself at a wedding, where you don’t really know anyone, take the free time to think about your life. Where you’re headed at, what is the meaning of life and what is your purpose for being sent here?

Or play ‘Racing Moto’ on your cell phone, instead.

The Single and Fabulous Guide: How to Survive Valentine’s Day.

                        Like I always say, it is less about the occasion, more about the gifts. Almost everyone will agree to this, if you don’t, it’s time to review your priorities. What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear ‘Valentine’s Day’ is it:

A: Hearts?

B: Chocolates?

C: Cupids, sans diapers, with blonde curly hair, shooting heart shaped arrows?

D: Teddy bears?

E: Roses?

  

                      As, I type the list, I realize that this sounds an awful lot like those text messages, which guarantee revealing your personality, if you pick a word and send it back to the sender. But this isn’t that. In fact, this is really nothing, and I’m sorry for having wasted your time.

                     If you’re single this year too, or have sworn your allegiance to the forever alone club (which really isn’t a club, but should be), a teeny tiny part of your heart, on valentine’s, will have you thinking, if your own heart has been replaced by a baboon’s heart. I don’t know if baboon’s are really miserable, but I don’t like them, so they will have to do for now.

                    So, what should you do on valentine’s to survive it? You will eventually survive it, but just for the sake of this blog and for your happiness (because I love you guys) I have compiled a list of things you can do, to make this auspicious day seem less of a torture for the single, vulnerable, beautiful baboon hearts. Let’s go.

Avoid Facebook:

If you have a facebook account, deactivate it for a day or two. Nothing more annoying than being alone, giftless, chocolateless, teddybearless, and having to see your friends and cousins posting one picture after another, of the cuT3 giFTzx their significant others have got them.

Know Your Phobia (s) and Use It:

Ok, what is the opposite of love? Hate? (ok, indifference!) Fear.

That’s right. FEAR. What is that one thing, which scares the living daylights out of you? Consider spending Valentine’s Day thinking about that thing. For example, I hate snakes, I don’t know about you, but thinking about an Anaconda somehow finding its way into my room, gobbling me up and then going back to do whatever it is that Anacondas too ( maybe, eat more people?)  or meeting up with other Anacondas and discussing their marital problems ( do Anacondas even marry?) ---the point is, thinking about Anacondas on Valentine’s Day, will ultimately leave me with lesser time to dwell on love. Or rather, lack of it.

Pre-Plan Your Movies:

Of course, if you’re going to watch movies like P.S I Love You, you’re going to be sad. A good option here would be to watch movies with really terrible story lines, or ones starring Uday Chopra. If you can’t stand bad acting, watch a movie starring Justin Timberlake, he’s Cute with a CAPITAL C, but he cannot act. But then again, to play it even safer, stick with Uday Chopra because JT is still CUTE, this time, WITH ALL CAPITAL LETTERS.

Other Simple Things to Do on Valentine’s:

Buy yourself plenty of chocolate (if you don’t already).

 Buy yourself flowers. Or pluck them from your neighbor’s garden. So sinister! On Valentine’s! I LOVE IT.

Avoid Bryan Adams, Savage Garden and the likes, like the plague.

 Make a list of all the things you hate about guys ( if you’re a girl), or vice versa and remind yourself that being alone is cool, ok. And that it only doubles the chances of you finding someone really good looking, with a personality to die for. I don’t know how this works, but it has to.

 Create fuzool ka drama in your house, with your friends, start a fight.

 Sleep throughout the day.

 Wear layers of clothes and be your own stuffed toy.

 Stalk your crush and rejoice in the fact if he, too, is a Valentine Nazi. If he isn’t, run.

How to Appear More Intelligent (Even When You're Not)

Intelligence is a highly admirable trait. Unfortunately, not everyone is like Christina Yang, not everyone is a know it all like Sheldon Cooper and what are your chances of having Mike Ross’s memory? Pretty slim. However, there are cheats and tricks for almost everything in this whole world. And for your benefit, here’s how to make people believe that you are a walking encyclopedia (or close) when you are really not.

Fake a British Accent:

Everything sounds better when said in a British accent. And no, I don’t mean using ‘innit’ excessively ( the biryani is so good, innit? This biryani hardly has any botis, innit?)That will make you look as if you’re trying very hard. End result? You’ll look like a douche, innit?

But fret not, sweeties! With the right amount of practice, I’m sure you’ll nail the accent just right! And when you do, you can get away with anything and sound totally smart. ‘Call me stupid, but bloody hell! Ranbir Kapoor was so bloody annoying in bloody Beysharam!’ See? British, bold and opinionated? You can’t go wrong!

Read Books:

For a lot of people, reading books can be more of a chore than a pleasurable activity. Does not matter, since you will not be reading the whole thing, duh! All you got to do is go online and read the summary of books which nobody has probably even heard of like ‘Astrophysics Made Easy’ (not real). Then you can effortlessly brag. People will buy your story. Oh-so-smart!

NOTE: Do not attempt this with really popular books like The Harry Potter series or Lord of the Rings, or even Twilight for that matter. Chances are that your fraud will be caught and then you’ll never get to see the sun again (I love hyperboles). These and some other books have some crazy fans, you mess one line and it’s Hasta La Vista, baby.

Universal Truths:

Use universally acknowledged facts in your conversation. A lot of them! People will find you very agreeable because whatever you’re saying is universally acknowledged, already! Here’s how:

‘I do believe that honesty is the best policy. I also believe that though time and tide wait for no one, time really is the best healer. I am a very spiritual person and I know that money cannot buy happiness but it certainly does not grow on trees, either. Hence, one should always save for a rainy day.’

Using Lyrics to Make a Smart Statement:

If universal truths are not really your thing, you can use lyrics instead to make your SMART, TOTALLY VALID POINT. If it doesn’t make you look more intelligent, then it definitely will make you seem fancy. For example:

‘I don’t know what you’re on about, it seems to me that you’re just another brick in the wall (Pink Floyd)’

‘I love the way you lie (Rihanna and Eminem), but it doesn’t make you a lovable person.’

‘Are you kidding me? Girl, you’re amazing just the way you are! (Bruno Mars)’

‘I know you’re super mad at me, but you didn’t have to cut me off, make out like it never happened and that we were nothing!’ (Gotye)

‘I guess you could say that I’m living in a material world and that I’m a material girl. (Madonna)’

You can also throw in some numbers in Spanish (Latin?) (courtesy, Pitbull and Ricky Martin) to show how much you love learning about other cultures.  Un, dos, tres!

Quote Socrates and Plato: 

These 2 are pretty famous philosophers, but the thing is that hardly anybody remembers what they actually said. And since they were philosophers, so you know, you can just put in your  philosophy, with their name. It is advised that you do this, verbally. Also, make sure that your philosophy does not revolve around things like ‘Just because you’ve a DSLR, doesn’t make you a photographer’. Also, avoid reflecting upon the atrociousness of Lady Gaga’s clothes. Because Socrates and Plato existed, way, wayyyyyyyy before these things. Even if they did, I really don’t think they would care less about Lady Gaga’s meat dress and ponder upon it.

Conveniently Forget the Source of Information:

You can always say something like ‘I remember reading this really amazing article online, I don’t remember the site, but it was really amazing, nonetheless, and it was about how only (make up statistics) 55% of men these days actually would open doors for women, while 5% of them said they wouldn’t because blab la bla’

OR

‘The other day I was surfing on Wikipedia (because I’m SUCH a nerd and I ADORE searching for things like whether Eskimos have schools and universities up in Antarctica) and I came across the weirdest thing, ever!’ Make up a really lame story. Seriously, nobody would bother searching for this later, to check the authenticity of your story. Even if they do and find nothing and later confront you about it, you can say that since you saw it on Wikipedia and they allow anybody to edit any information in any article, hence somebody must have edited it. Case dismissed.

Until next time.

How to Reject a Marriage Proposal in a Ladylike Slightly Monstrous Manner.

            After the longestttttt time, I’m blogging again. I am really excited. Basically, this is a new project of sorts, called the ‘The How to Series’. I will be covering relatable scenarios and will tell you how to get away with them. Consider this as a blessing in disguise. My very first post in my HOW TO SERIES is going to be for the ladies. It is called :

       How to Reject a Marriage Proposal in a Ladylike Slightly Monstrous Manner.

 I am almost 22 years old. Being the only single one, amongst my siblings, my mother often mentions how the only thing on her mind is that I should be married away into a nice, pious family. This notion is often followed by instances of fellow cousins, who are my age (some, even younger) who are married and are doing great.

Me? What do I think about getting married? I don’t think anything about it at all. I feel my stomach churning, every time I find my mother throwing her head back and laughing like there’s no tomorrow, while talking to some Aunty Je (on the phone, or in person). So, I’ve been able to get out of a few very serious marriage proposals and have compiled a list of things which YOU can do, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation. You're welcome.

Go All Elizabeth Bennet:

Ok. If you have not read Pride and Prejudice, I have one question for you: Who hurt you?

Seriously, if you’re a girl and do not yet know who the Bennets are, I don’t know what to say to you. And if you do not even know who FITZWILLIAM DARCY is, I really do not want to say anything to you. For those of you, who have read the book, you’ll be able to relate to this. Your mom comes up to you and says that she has a very nice proposal for you, the guy works at a very good firm, belongs to a good family bla bla the works. What do you do?

You launch into a lecture on how you cannot marry without ‘affection’. If your mother tells you that you’re getting old and you will be left all alone, as a maid for the rest of your life, YOU tell her that you are a strong willed, determined woman who cannot and will not depend on a man for her happiness, support, security etc PREACH IT, GIRL!

More Advice: Try to rope in your dad, for moral support. Or roll your eyes at him, if he sides with your mom.

Cry like the First Time You Saw ‘A Walk to Remember’:

If you feel like nobody’s listening to your speech on liberal, independent women, try your next best option: Tears. Lots of them. Cry, cry, cry. Tears really can melt the hearts of your parents (unless they have a stone, in place of a heart). Stay sad all day long. Stay locked up in your room. This is also a great opportunity to practice your pouting skills. Refuse to eat. You may end up losing a few pounds, too! Skinny and single! OMG!

Don’t Be Yourself:

You’re beautiful, charming, intelligent, smart and sweet. If you be all this, of course they would want to wrap you up in ribbons and take you home. So, we’re going to do this differently.

Okay, so the rishta walas are there to see you. Your mom asks you to come and greet/meet them. Here’s what you have to do: Limp. Limp all the way from your room to the place where the LARKA WALAS are sitting. Limp like you’ve never limped in your life before. Limp for your independence ( try saying  this in your head in your best Nelson Mandela voice, to really get into the spirit of things).

If limping is really not your thing, you can do a number of other things. You can sit politely and after a while totally zone out. I’m talking about staring into space and maybe, even drooling a little. Or, if this is also not your thing, then you can try Miley Cyrus’s insanely famous, in vogue, tongue-hanging-out-in-the-air pose. This will surely get your message across to the rishta walas. What is the message? You’re not the larki they are looking for.

Ditch Your Martha Stewartness:

You’re a great cook. You love baking. You know this, your family knows this, and your friends know this, but do the rishta walas need to know? No. If asked if you cook something, then take a veryyyyy long pause and act as if you’re thinking realllllyyy hard then slowly say ‘I know how to cook Maggi?’

If asked if you actively participate in household chores, say yes. Tell them how ONLY last year you helped your mom in carrying the dishes to the dishwasher. Say this with bravado.

More Simple Ways to Scare Rishta Walas Away:

If they ask you a question, do not be polite. Answer back in a Munna Bhai-Tapori Style manner. For example, Q: Beyta, what do you do in your free time? Answer: ‘Apun k pass farigh waqt hota kub hay Maaamu? Hor jub hota bhi hey na toh apun mast sarkou pey idher udher firtti hey, bajaarou mey awaragardi kerti hey.Mast.

 Practice your obnoxious laughter because you’ll be needing it. Without any reason, just start laughing, when sitting with the guests. Like this: Rishtay Wali Aunty: Aj kal ki larkiya toh bilkul… You: HAHHAHAHA HOHOEHAHAHHEHOAHEGWSBW.

Tell them that you aspire to be like Veena Malik.

Consider investing in a horrible looking mask. Halloween is just around the corner, so you can kill two birds with one stone.

Wear your hair in two massive pigtails. And when greeting the guests, SKIP all the way. Do not walk, run or even limp. Just skip. Act as if you’re auditioning for Tigger’s role in a Winnie the Pooh Movie.

Important Note: Marriage is a great institution. If you are already married or are about to get married, then I couldn’t be happier for you and I wish you all the best. This post is not, in any way, meant to promote feminism. If you really are stuck in a situation where you do not want to get married, but are being pressurized by your family into marriage, just talk it over with them. Explain yourself, calmly. And then just pray. Leave it all to Allah. Seriously, this is the best advice I can give to you.  :)

- Take Seventy Five : Lifetime wounds ( Not as emo as it sounds)

            There is no denying that ‘ Actions speak louder than words’. They do, but I remember reading this essay in one of my literature classes where the writer had argued how words hurt more than actions.And I completely agree with him.

                             

                                If you hurt someone physically or someone hurts YOU physically, of course, you’d feel the pain, but there are ways you can get rid of that hurt. You can take medicines, maybe even apply some weird-smelling cream on your wound or God forbid if the injury is severe you might even get it operated on. What I’m trying to say is that, you can do something about it.

                          

                       But when somebody hurts you with words, I really don’t think there is any medicine out there or any surgery to save you. No matter how much you deny it, no matter how much you act as if somebody’s mean words didn’t hurt you at all, they always do. And there’s no remedy for it. You may forget it for the time being, but sometime or the other, they do come back to you.

             

                     Bruises left by hurtful words are never healed. No amount of time can do the healing either. So next time, before you lash out on someone, do think if they are actually worth the life-time wound.  Be sure to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and you might get the notoriously famous reply ‘ dosti mey koi please aur thank you naie hota’  but really, houna chaiyay. Acknowledging somebody’s efforts goes a long, long way.

:)