Thursday, October 10, 2013

How to Appear More Intelligent (Even When You're Not)

Intelligence is a highly admirable trait. Unfortunately, not everyone is like Christina Yang, not everyone is a know it all like Sheldon Cooper and what are your chances of having Mike Ross’s memory? Pretty slim. However, there are cheats and tricks for almost everything in this whole world. And for your benefit, here’s how to make people believe that you are a walking encyclopedia (or close) when you are really not.

Fake a British Accent:

Everything sounds better when said in a British accent. And no, I don’t mean using ‘innit’ excessively ( the biryani is so good, innit? This biryani hardly has any botis, innit?)That will make you look as if you’re trying very hard. End result? You’ll look like a douche, innit?

But fret not, sweeties! With the right amount of practice, I’m sure you’ll nail the accent just right! And when you do, you can get away with anything and sound totally smart. ‘Call me stupid, but bloody hell! Ranbir Kapoor was so bloody annoying in bloody Beysharam!’ See? British, bold and opinionated? You can’t go wrong!

Read Books:

For a lot of people, reading books can be more of a chore than a pleasurable activity. Does not matter, since you will not be reading the whole thing, duh! All you got to do is go online and read the summary of books which nobody has probably even heard of like ‘Astrophysics Made Easy’ (not real). Then you can effortlessly brag. People will buy your story. Oh-so-smart!

NOTE: Do not attempt this with really popular books like The Harry Potter series or Lord of the Rings, or even Twilight for that matter. Chances are that your fraud will be caught and then you’ll never get to see the sun again (I love hyperboles). These and some other books have some crazy fans, you mess one line and it’s Hasta La Vista, baby.

Universal Truths:

Use universally acknowledged facts in your conversation. A lot of them! People will find you very agreeable because whatever you’re saying is universally acknowledged, already! Here’s how:

‘I do believe that honesty is the best policy. I also believe that though time and tide wait for no one, time really is the best healer. I am a very spiritual person and I know that money cannot buy happiness but it certainly does not grow on trees, either. Hence, one should always save for a rainy day.’

Using Lyrics to Make a Smart Statement:

If universal truths are not really your thing, you can use lyrics instead to make your SMART, TOTALLY VALID POINT. If it doesn’t make you look more intelligent, then it definitely will make you seem fancy. For example:
‘I don’t know what you’re on about, it seems to me that you’re just another brick in the wall (Pink Floyd)’
‘I love the way you lie (Rihanna and Eminem), but it doesn’t make you a lovable person.’
‘Are you kidding me? Girl, you’re amazing just the way you are! (Bruno Mars)’
‘I know you’re super mad at me, but you didn’t have to cut me off, make out like it never happened and that we were nothing!’ (Gotye)
‘I guess you could say that I’m living in a material world and that I’m a material girl. (Madonna)’

You can also throw in some numbers in Spanish (Latin?) (courtesy, Pitbull and Ricky Martin) to show how much you love learning about other cultures.  Un, dos, tres!

Quote Socrates and Plato: 

These 2 are pretty famous philosophers, but the thing is that hardly anybody remembers what they actually said. And since they were philosophers, so you know, you can just put in your  philosophy, with their name. It is advised that you do this, verbally. Also, make sure that your philosophy does not revolve around things like ‘Just because you’ve a DSLR, doesn’t make you a photographer’. Also, avoid reflecting upon the atrociousness of Lady Gaga’s clothes. Because Socrates and Plato existed, way, wayyyyyyyy before these things. Even if they did, I really don’t think they would care less about Lady Gaga’s meat dress and ponder upon it.

Conveniently Forget the Source of Information:

You can always say something like ‘I remember reading this really amazing article online, I don’t remember the site, but it was really amazing, nonetheless, and it was about how only (make up statistics) 55% of men these days actually would open doors for women, while 5% of them said they wouldn’t because blab la bla’


‘The other day I was surfing on Wikipedia (because I’m SUCH a nerd and I ADORE searching for things like whether Eskimos have schools and universities up in Antarctica) and I came across the weirdest thing, ever!’ Make up a really lame story. Seriously, nobody would bother searching for this later, to check the authenticity of your story. Even if they do and find nothing and later confront you about it, you can say that since you saw it on Wikipedia and they allow anybody to edit any information in any article, hence somebody must have edited it. Case dismissed.

Until next time.

Monday, October 7, 2013

How to Reject a Marriage Proposal in a Ladylike Slightly Monstrous Manner.

            After the longestttttt time, I’m blogging again. I am really excited. Basically, this is a new project of sorts, called the ‘The How to Series’. I will be covering relatable scenarios and will tell you how to get away with them. Consider this as a blessing in disguise. My very first post in my HOW TO SERIES is going to be for the ladies. It is called :

       How to Reject a Marriage Proposal in a Ladylike Slightly Monstrous Manner.

 I am almost 22 years old. Being the only single one, amongst my siblings, my mother often mentions how the only thing on her mind is that I should be married away into a nice, pious family. This notion is often followed by instances of fellow cousins, who are my age (some, even younger) who are married and are doing great.

Me? What do I think about getting married? I don’t think anything about it at all. I feel my stomach churning, every time I find my mother throwing her head back and laughing like there’s no tomorrow, while talking to some Aunty Je (on the phone, or in person). So, I’ve been able to get out of a few very serious marriage proposals and have compiled a list of things which YOU can do, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation. You're welcome.

Go All Elizabeth Bennet:

Ok. If you have not read Pride and Prejudice, I have one question for you: Who hurt you?
Seriously, if you’re a girl and do not yet know who the Bennets are, I don’t know what to say to you. And if you do not even know who FITZWILLIAM DARCY is, I really do not want to say anything to you. For those of you, who have read the book, you’ll be able to relate to this. Your mom comes up to you and says that she has a very nice proposal for you, the guy works at a very good firm, belongs to a good family bla bla the works. What do you do?

You launch into a lecture on how you cannot marry without ‘affection’. If your mother tells you that you’re getting old and you will be left all alone, as a maid for the rest of your life, YOU tell her that you are a strong willed, determined woman who cannot and will not depend on a man for her happiness, support, security etc PREACH IT, GIRL!

More Advice: Try to rope in your dad, for moral support. Or roll your eyes at him, if he sides with your mom.

Cry like the First Time You Saw ‘A Walk to Remember’:

If you feel like nobody’s listening to your speech on liberal, independent women, try your next best option: Tears. Lots of them. Cry, cry, cry. Tears really can melt the hearts of your parents (unless they have a stone, in place of a heart). Stay sad all day long. Stay locked up in your room. This is also a great opportunity to practice your pouting skills. Refuse to eat. You may end up losing a few pounds, too! Skinny and single! OMG!

Don’t Be Yourself:

You’re beautiful, charming, intelligent, smart and sweet. If you be all this, of course they would want to wrap you up in ribbons and take you home. So, we’re going to do this differently.

Okay, so the rishta walas are there to see you. Your mom asks you to come and greet/meet them. Here’s what you have to do: Limp. Limp all the way from your room to the place where the LARKA WALAS are sitting. Limp like you’ve never limped in your life before. Limp for your independence ( try saying  this in your head in your best Nelson Mandela voice, to really get into the spirit of things).
If limping is really not your thing, you can do a number of other things. You can sit politely and after a while totally zone out. I’m talking about staring into space and maybe, even drooling a little. Or, if this is also not your thing, then you can try Miley Cyrus’s insanely famous, in vogue, tongue-hanging-out-in-the-air pose. This will surely get your message across to the rishta walas. What is the message? You’re not the larki they are looking for.

Ditch Your Martha Stewartness:

You’re a great cook. You love baking. You know this, your family knows this, and your friends know this, but do the rishta walas need to know? No. If asked if you cook something, then take a veryyyyy long pause and act as if you’re thinking realllllyyy hard then slowly say ‘I know how to cook Maggi?’

If asked if you actively participate in household chores, say yes. Tell them how ONLY last year you helped your mom in carrying the dishes to the dishwasher. Say this with bravado.

More Simple Ways to Scare Rishta Walas Away:

If they ask you a question, do not be polite. Answer back in a Munna Bhai-Tapori Style manner. For example, Q: Beyta, what do you do in your free time? Answer: ‘Apun k pass farigh waqt hota kub hay Maaamu? Hor jub hota bhi hey na toh apun mast sarkou pey idher udher firtti hey, bajaarou mey awaragardi kerti hey.Mast.

 Practice your obnoxious laughter because you’ll be needing it. Without any reason, just start laughing, when sitting with the guests. Like this: Rishtay Wali Aunty: Aj kal ki larkiya toh bilkul… You: HAHHAHAHA HOHOEHAHAHHEHOAHEGWSBW.

Tell them that you aspire to be like Veena Malik.

Consider investing in a horrible looking mask. Halloween is just around the corner, so you can kill two birds with one stone.

Wear your hair in two massive pigtails. And when greeting the guests, SKIP all the way. Do not walk, run or even limp. Just skip. Act as if you’re auditioning for Tigger’s role in a Winnie the Pooh Movie.

Important Note: Marriage is a great institution. If you are already married or are about to get married, then I couldn’t be happier for you and I wish you all the best. This post is not, in any way, meant to promote feminism. If you really are stuck in a situation where you do not want to get married, but are being pressurized by your family into marriage, just talk it over with them. Explain yourself, calmly. And then just pray. Leave it all to Allah. Seriously, this is the best advice I can give to you.  :)