Monday, December 19, 2011

Take Seventy One- Effective Ways of Creating Awkward Situations.

In my last post, I wrote some ways to get out of an awkward situation, now, I will write how to CREATE an awkward situation. Just follow the easy-breezy steps to make the other person feel awkward at home.

STARE: This is a sure fire to make the other person feel extremely awkward. Just keep in mind, that when they catch you looking at them, DO NOT TURN AWAY. KEEP ON STARING. Consistency is the key, my friend. The wider your eyes are, the longer your stare, the more its effect.

PURPOSEFULLY LAUGH AT ALL TIMES: Even when the other person is not saying anything funny, just laugh. Not a light chuckle, but a loud, mean GUFFAW.  Either you will make the other person feel as if he is the next Steve Martin or it will leave them feeling really awkward.

OBNOXIOUS CATCH PHRASE : I was once watching this comedy show on Tv and it had a man who said ‘ 3 bajay miliyay na’ after every 3 minutes and he was very annoying. So, next time you want to make someone feel awkward you say something like ‘You ain’t nothing but an idiot’ after every sentence like ‘ Yeah, so I went there and it was totally crowded ‘YOUAIN’TNOTHINGBUTANIDIOT’ and so I didn’t buy anything ‘YOUAIN’TNOTHINGBUTANIDIOT’ and just camebackhome‘YOUAIN’TNOTHINGBUTANIDIOT’.

USE CHEAP HINDI DIALOGUES: ‘Rishtay mey toh hum tumaray baap lagtay hein’ or ‘Raj. Raj Malhotra. Naam toh suna he hoga’ bus bhai, uskay baad awkwardness he awkwardness.

HAVE A CORNY SONG, SET AS YOUR RING TONE: ‘Dil ney yey kaha hey dil say, muhabat hogai hey tumsay,merey jaaaan merey dilbar yada yada’ OR ‘ Kaho na pyaaar hayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, kaho na pyar haaaaaaaaayyyy’

PURPOSEFULLY CRACK A LAME JOKE : Yeah, crack a joke and make it so terrible that NOBODY feels like laughing. And then. You laugh like a hyena. It will leave your audience feeling awkward.

TALK ON YOUR CELL PHONE FOR LONG, UN-INTERRUPTED HOURS : Picture this, you’re talking to someone, face to face, your phone rings, you pick it up and then you don’t hang up. The only bad side is that after you hang up, you’ll realize that the friend who was actually sitting in front of you, is no longer there.

HOOT : Hooting is another superb way to make someone feel awkward. Don’t like it? Just Hoot. Like it? Just Hoot. Llike/hate  it : Just Hoot.

SAY SOMETHING MEAN : You are Simon Cowell.' THAT WAS JUST PATHETIC' or 'That was terrible, I mean just awful'

HAVE A WEIRD LAUGH : The weirder your laugh, the more intense will be the awkwardness.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

-Take Seventy- Effective Ways of Getting Away with Awkward Situations.

Disclaimer: All that is written here is purely nonsense, so please, for your safety and mine, do not try this.
  •             Pretend to be deaf. And if the other person decides to ‘write’ it for you, you can just say (or write back) that their hand writing is so ugly, you can’t understand a word. Or you are suffering from lack of Vitamin D and have really brittle bones and cannot pick a pencil or pen( or crayons) properly. Because if you do, you might break a bone.
  • -          Just nod and smile. And if they get their clever pants on and ask you a question just to check if you were actually listening to them, say something like ‘ Uh, yeah sure’  or ‘You’re absolutely right!’ . People generally like it when other people agree with them. And if you’re in one of those situations where you know that saying ‘sure’ or ‘right’ might get you into some trouble, just flip your hair and laugh. And then run away.
  • -          Sneeze. 8 times in a row, I’m not even sure if this is humanly possible, but just fake it and start sneezing as if somebody dumped you, head-on in a bucket full of black pepper. After this, excuse yourself and get away.
  • -          Faint. Works like a charm.
  • -          In order to make the other person quiet, start crying. Sure enough, they’ll ask you the reason and from there onwards it’s all about you and your problems.
  • While in conversation, if you don’t feel like paying attention because the other person is talking about Astrophysics, you can zone out, they’ll say ‘ You seem distracted’ you say ‘ That’s  because I am’. Elaborate this with things like ‘ It’s just work’ or ‘It’s just my paranoid bf/gf’ or ‘It’s just my exams’or 'It's just recession' .