Thursday, January 30, 2014

The Single and Fabulous Guide: How to Survive Valentine’s Day.

                        Like I always say, it is less about the occasion, more about the gifts. Almost everyone will agree to this, if you don’t, it’s time to review your priorities. What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear ‘Valentine’s Day’ is it:

A: Hearts?

B: Chocolates?

C: Cupids, sans diapers, with blonde curly hair, shooting heart shaped arrows?

D: Teddy bears?

E: Roses?
                      As, I type the list, I realize that this sounds an awful lot like those text messages, which guarantee revealing your personality, if you pick a word and send it back to the sender. But this isn’t that. In fact, this is really nothing, and I’m sorry for having wasted your time.

                     If you’re single this year too, or have sworn your allegiance to the forever alone club (which really isn’t a club, but should be), a teeny tiny part of your heart, on valentine’s, will have you thinking, if your own heart has been replaced by a baboon’s heart. I don’t know if baboon’s are really miserable, but I don’t like them, so they will have to do for now.

                    So, what should you do on valentine’s to survive it? You will eventually survive it, but just for the sake of this blog and for your happiness (because I love you guys) I have compiled a list of things you can do, to make this auspicious day seem less of a torture for the single, vulnerable, beautiful baboon hearts. Let’s go.

Avoid Facebook:

If you have a facebook account, deactivate it for a day or two. Nothing more annoying than being alone, giftless, chocolateless, teddybearless, and having to see your friends and cousins posting one picture after another, of the cuT3 giFTzx their significant others have got them.

Know Your Phobia (s) and Use It:

Ok, what is the opposite of love? Hate? (ok, indifference!) Fear.
That’s right. FEAR. What is that one thing, which scares the living daylights out of you? Consider spending Valentine’s Day thinking about that thing. For example, I hate snakes, I don’t know about you, but thinking about an Anaconda somehow finding its way into my room, gobbling me up and then going back to do whatever it is that Anacondas too ( maybe, eat more people?)  or meeting up with other Anacondas and discussing their marital problems ( do Anacondas even marry?) ---the point is, thinking about Anacondas on Valentine’s Day, will ultimately leave me with lesser time to dwell on love. Or rather, lack of it.

Pre-Plan Your Movies:

Of course, if you’re going to watch movies like P.S I Love You, you’re going to be sad. A good option here would be to watch movies with really terrible story lines, or ones starring Uday Chopra. If you can’t stand bad acting, watch a movie starring Justin Timberlake, he’s Cute with a CAPITAL C, but he cannot act. But then again, to play it even safer, stick with Uday Chopra because JT is still CUTE, this time, WITH ALL CAPITAL LETTERS.

Other Simple Things to Do on Valentine’s:

Buy yourself plenty of chocolate (if you don’t already).

 Buy yourself flowers. Or pluck them from your neighbor’s garden. So sinister! On Valentine’s! I LOVE IT.

Avoid Bryan Adams, Savage Garden and the likes, like the plague.

 Make a list of all the things you hate about guys ( if you’re a girl), or vice versa and remind yourself that being alone is cool, ok. And that it only doubles the chances of you finding someone really good looking, with a personality to die for. I don’t know how this works, but it has to.

 Create fuzool ka drama in your house, with your friends, start a fight.

 Sleep throughout the day.

 Wear layers of clothes and be your own stuffed toy.

 Stalk your crush and rejoice in the fact if he, too, is a Valentine Nazi. If he isn’t, run.