-Take Seventy-Three : Y U NO.

The insanely popular (and let’s not forget funny and random and funny) Y U NO GUY seems to be my latest obsession. I don’t know, there’s something so intriguing about him, the way his little hands go up questioningly , the way his eye-brows turn into a frown and of course, his lips, which look more like a cross between a pout and  something else.

                  

                  It’s almost as if you can hear him…which of course, you cannot, I mean, come on, I mean, really…I mean… Also, I think, that if we were able to hear him he’d have a thick Italian accent, you know, where you go like ‘ Y U NO-A DO A THIS-A’ . I have to give credit to the guy who is responsible for creating such a BRILLIANT MASTERPIECE kay uski shakal daikhtay he, awaaz bhi ajati hay.

            

                        I’ve been so smitten by the Y U NO GUY, that I’ve actually started to use his famous words in my daily life. For eg : I went shopping today and there was this Aunty who pushed me and I said AUNTY, Y U NO STOP PUSHING ME? Y U NOHAVE MANNERS? ‘ Of course,  the Aunty didn’t reply, I’m pretty sure she didn’t even hear me. Next time, I’ll be sure to carry a microphone with me.

                            

                          When I was taking my final exams, there were a lot of moments when I wanted to say ‘PAPER, Y U NO MAKE SENSE? (Esp. in my Mass Communication paper, which only God knows, what is was) Similarly, the teachers who were on duty while we were taking the exams , talked non-stop, I wanted to say to them , 'TEACHERS, Y U NO SHUT UP? Or a less offensive line like ‘ TEACHERS, Y U NO WHISPER ONLY?’

                     

                                      Y U NO, is  obviously a grammatically incorrect phrase, but it is the only, and I cannot stress this enough, it is the ONLY, grammatically wrong phrase, I’m willing to over look because I am a very opinionated person and I really like the Y U NO GUY, and hold him in the highest esteem, so his grammar mistakes have been automatically ignored.

PEOPLE WHO READ THIS POST, Y U NO COMMENT?

A very special thanks to Zee, for telling me I should blog about him.<3

- Take Seventy Two- Facebook Profiles.

    For most of us ( including me) facebook profiles can tell a lot about a person. But much of this depends upon how good of a stalker you are and how far are you willing to stalk that person? Personally, I can stalk for hours and hours. It is so much fun! It’s  free and the other person doesn’t even have to know about it. Unless you mistakenly click the ‘like’ button on a post which was made 6 months ago.

                   Then we have a problem. In situations like these, it is best to say things like ‘ Uh…my facebook id is hacked. Didn’t you get that viral video of a really hot girl and a message, asking you to open it? Dude. That wasn’t me. So there.’

                             But really, how much CAN you know about one person through their facebook page? My inner Sherlock Holmes has taught me that not everything, which people post and share on their profiles, is true. But I’ve noticed that most people, who cannot waste their time, pretending to be someone they are not, have started posting real information about themselves. Except for the ‘language section’ I mean, come on! Austrian German? Canadian French? Hrvatski? <--- I’m not even sure how this is pronounced!

             

                    Many people also like to lie about  ‘the work section’ like for eg, I have posted in my ‘work section’ that I am a waitress at Krusty Krabs. Which I am not. I only wish, I were. I’ve seen people posting things like ‘Working as a CEO OF BAD COMPANY'. Really? Really now? 

         

                      But what about those who post random false information about themselves. Like remember the time, people used to post pictures of unknown extremely good looking people and had us fooled? Who would know that a model from Venezuela is not Akram Khan from Sargodha? For the love of God, what is wrong with you people? 

 

                   Also, people who have flowers and hearts as their pictures, seem pretty fishy. Esp if they are a ‘male’ and were born in 1980. We obviously have something very wrong here. And profiles with names like Aisha Khan and are ‘male’ , interested in ‘women’ and studying at ‘Government College for Men’? What ARE you suggesting?

Jhoot bolnay kay liyey bhi dimagh chaiyay hota.

Take Seventy One- Effective Ways of Creating Awkward Situations.

In my last post, I wrote some ways to get out of an awkward situation, now, I will write how to CREATE an awkward situation. Just follow the easy-breezy steps to make the other person feel awkward at home.

STARE: This is a sure fire to make the other person feel extremely awkward. Just keep in mind, that when they catch you looking at them, DO NOT TURN AWAY. KEEP ON STARING. Consistency is the key, my friend. The wider your eyes are, the longer your stare, the more its effect.

PURPOSEFULLY LAUGH AT ALL TIMES: Even when the other person is not saying anything funny, just laugh. Not a light chuckle, but a loud, mean GUFFAW.  Either you will make the other person feel as if he is the next Steve Martin or it will leave them feeling really awkward.

OBNOXIOUS CATCH PHRASE : I was once watching this comedy show on Tv and it had a man who said ‘ 3 bajay miliyay na’ after every 3 minutes and he was very annoying. So, next time you want to make someone feel awkward you say something like ‘You ain’t nothing but an idiot’ after every sentence like ‘ Yeah, so I went there and it was totally crowded ‘YOUAIN’TNOTHINGBUTANIDIOT’ and so I didn’t buy anything ‘YOUAIN’TNOTHINGBUTANIDIOT’ and just camebackhome‘YOUAIN’TNOTHINGBUTANIDIOT’.

USE CHEAP HINDI DIALOGUES: ‘Rishtay mey toh hum tumaray baap lagtay hein’ or ‘Raj. Raj Malhotra. Naam toh suna he hoga’ bus bhai, uskay baad awkwardness he awkwardness.

HAVE A CORNY SONG, SET AS YOUR RING TONE: ‘Dil ney yey kaha hey dil say, muhabat hogai hey tumsay,merey jaaaan merey dilbar yada yada’ OR ‘ Kaho na pyaaar hayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, kaho na pyar haaaaaaaaayyyy’

PURPOSEFULLY CRACK A LAME JOKE : Yeah, crack a joke and make it so terrible that NOBODY feels like laughing. And then. You laugh like a hyena. It will leave your audience feeling awkward.

TALK ON YOUR CELL PHONE FOR LONG, UN-INTERRUPTED HOURS : Picture this, you’re talking to someone, face to face, your phone rings, you pick it up and then you don’t hang up. The only bad side is that after you hang up, you’ll realize that the friend who was actually sitting in front of you, is no longer there.

HOOT : Hooting is another superb way to make someone feel awkward. Don’t like it? Just Hoot. Like it? Just Hoot. Llike/hate  it : Just Hoot.

SAY SOMETHING MEAN : You are Simon Cowell.' THAT WAS JUST PATHETIC' or 'That was terrible, I mean just awful'

HAVE A WEIRD LAUGH : The weirder your laugh, the more intense will be the awkwardness.

-Take Seventy- Effective Ways of Getting Away with Awkward Situations.

Disclaimer: All that is written here is purely nonsense, so please, for your safety and mine, do not try this.

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•             Pretend to be deaf. And if the other person decides to ‘write’ it for you, you can just say (or write back) that their hand writing is so ugly, you can’t understand a word. Or you are suffering from lack of Vitamin D and have really brittle bones and cannot pick a pencil or pen( or crayons) properly. Because if you do, you might break a bone.

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• -          Just nod and smile. And if they get their clever pants on and ask you a question just to check if you were actually listening to them, say something like ‘ Uh, yeah sure’  or ‘You’re absolutely right!’ . People generally like it when other people agree with them. And if you’re in one of those situations where you know that saying ‘sure’ or ‘right’ might get you into some trouble, just flip your hair and laugh. And then run away.

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• -          Sneeze. 8 times in a row, I’m not even sure if this is humanly possible, but just fake it and start sneezing as if somebody dumped you, head-on in a bucket full of black pepper. After this, excuse yourself and get away.

• -          Faint. Works like a charm.

• -          In order to make the other person quiet, start crying. Sure enough, they’ll ask you the reason and from there onwards it’s all about you and your problems.

• While in conversation, if you don’t feel like paying attention because the other person is talking about Astrophysics, you can zone out, they’ll say ‘ You seem distracted’ you say ‘ That’s  because I am’. Elaborate this with things like ‘ It’s just work’ or ‘It’s just my paranoid bf/gf’ or ‘It’s just my exams’or 'It's just recession' .