Thursday, October 10, 2013

How to Appear More Intelligent (Even When You're Not)

Intelligence is a highly admirable trait. Unfortunately, not everyone is like Christina Yang, not everyone is a know it all like Sheldon Cooper and what are your chances of having Mike Ross’s memory? Pretty slim. However, there are cheats and tricks for almost everything in this whole world. And for your benefit, here’s how to make people believe that you are a walking encyclopedia (or close) when you are really not.

Fake a British Accent:

Everything sounds better when said in a British accent. And no, I don’t mean using ‘innit’ excessively ( the biryani is so good, innit? This biryani hardly has any botis, innit?)That will make you look as if you’re trying very hard. End result? You’ll look like a douche, innit?

But fret not, sweeties! With the right amount of practice, I’m sure you’ll nail the accent just right! And when you do, you can get away with anything and sound totally smart. ‘Call me stupid, but bloody hell! Ranbir Kapoor was so bloody annoying in bloody Beysharam!’ See? British, bold and opinionated? You can’t go wrong!

Read Books:

For a lot of people, reading books can be more of a chore than a pleasurable activity. Does not matter, since you will not be reading the whole thing, duh! All you got to do is go online and read the summary of books which nobody has probably even heard of like ‘Astrophysics Made Easy’ (not real). Then you can effortlessly brag. People will buy your story. Oh-so-smart!

NOTE: Do not attempt this with really popular books like The Harry Potter series or Lord of the Rings, or even Twilight for that matter. Chances are that your fraud will be caught and then you’ll never get to see the sun again (I love hyperboles). These and some other books have some crazy fans, you mess one line and it’s Hasta La Vista, baby.

Universal Truths:

Use universally acknowledged facts in your conversation. A lot of them! People will find you very agreeable because whatever you’re saying is universally acknowledged, already! Here’s how:

‘I do believe that honesty is the best policy. I also believe that though time and tide wait for no one, time really is the best healer. I am a very spiritual person and I know that money cannot buy happiness but it certainly does not grow on trees, either. Hence, one should always save for a rainy day.’

Using Lyrics to Make a Smart Statement:

If universal truths are not really your thing, you can use lyrics instead to make your SMART, TOTALLY VALID POINT. If it doesn’t make you look more intelligent, then it definitely will make you seem fancy. For example:
‘I don’t know what you’re on about, it seems to me that you’re just another brick in the wall (Pink Floyd)’
‘I love the way you lie (Rihanna and Eminem), but it doesn’t make you a lovable person.’
‘Are you kidding me? Girl, you’re amazing just the way you are! (Bruno Mars)’
‘I know you’re super mad at me, but you didn’t have to cut me off, make out like it never happened and that we were nothing!’ (Gotye)
‘I guess you could say that I’m living in a material world and that I’m a material girl. (Madonna)’

You can also throw in some numbers in Spanish (Latin?) (courtesy, Pitbull and Ricky Martin) to show how much you love learning about other cultures.  Un, dos, tres!

Quote Socrates and Plato: 

These 2 are pretty famous philosophers, but the thing is that hardly anybody remembers what they actually said. And since they were philosophers, so you know, you can just put in your  philosophy, with their name. It is advised that you do this, verbally. Also, make sure that your philosophy does not revolve around things like ‘Just because you’ve a DSLR, doesn’t make you a photographer’. Also, avoid reflecting upon the atrociousness of Lady Gaga’s clothes. Because Socrates and Plato existed, way, wayyyyyyyy before these things. Even if they did, I really don’t think they would care less about Lady Gaga’s meat dress and ponder upon it.

Conveniently Forget the Source of Information:

You can always say something like ‘I remember reading this really amazing article online, I don’t remember the site, but it was really amazing, nonetheless, and it was about how only (make up statistics) 55% of men these days actually would open doors for women, while 5% of them said they wouldn’t because blab la bla’


‘The other day I was surfing on Wikipedia (because I’m SUCH a nerd and I ADORE searching for things like whether Eskimos have schools and universities up in Antarctica) and I came across the weirdest thing, ever!’ Make up a really lame story. Seriously, nobody would bother searching for this later, to check the authenticity of your story. Even if they do and find nothing and later confront you about it, you can say that since you saw it on Wikipedia and they allow anybody to edit any information in any article, hence somebody must have edited it. Case dismissed.

Until next time.


Anonymous said...

Flipping amazing yaar :') - zeeshan

Anonymous said...

im feeling much more intelligent then i felt a few second ago yahhhhhh as somebody said some where this is a kick ass blog
ur sis Aisha

Urooj Khan said...

This is SO you Miss Yumna! :D

Anonymous said...

Haha yums,i love your blog :D

ASH <3

-Yumna S Hayat said...

Thank you, so, sooooooo much guys! I love you all! :D

Anonymous said...

mast ak dum :)

Anonymous said...

Haha real funny.... You losers read this b.s... Anyhow I suggest you to search it on web instead of wasting your time here.. P.s