How to Reject a Marriage Proposal in a Ladylike Slightly Monstrous Manner.

            After the longestttttt time, I’m blogging again. I am really excited. Basically, this is a new project of sorts, called the ‘The How to Series’. I will be covering relatable scenarios and will tell you how to get away with them. Consider this as a blessing in disguise. My very first post in my HOW TO SERIES is going to be for the ladies. It is called :

       How to Reject a Marriage Proposal in a Ladylike Slightly Monstrous Manner.

 I am almost 22 years old. Being the only single one, amongst my siblings, my mother often mentions how the only thing on her mind is that I should be married away into a nice, pious family. This notion is often followed by instances of fellow cousins, who are my age (some, even younger) who are married and are doing great.

Me? What do I think about getting married? I don’t think anything about it at all. I feel my stomach churning, every time I find my mother throwing her head back and laughing like there’s no tomorrow, while talking to some Aunty Je (on the phone, or in person). So, I’ve been able to get out of a few very serious marriage proposals and have compiled a list of things which YOU can do, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation. You're welcome.

Go All Elizabeth Bennet:

Ok. If you have not read Pride and Prejudice, I have one question for you: Who hurt you?

Seriously, if you’re a girl and do not yet know who the Bennets are, I don’t know what to say to you. And if you do not even know who FITZWILLIAM DARCY is, I really do not want to say anything to you. For those of you, who have read the book, you’ll be able to relate to this. Your mom comes up to you and says that she has a very nice proposal for you, the guy works at a very good firm, belongs to a good family bla bla the works. What do you do?

You launch into a lecture on how you cannot marry without ‘affection’. If your mother tells you that you’re getting old and you will be left all alone, as a maid for the rest of your life, YOU tell her that you are a strong willed, determined woman who cannot and will not depend on a man for her happiness, support, security etc PREACH IT, GIRL!

More Advice: Try to rope in your dad, for moral support. Or roll your eyes at him, if he sides with your mom.

Cry like the First Time You Saw ‘A Walk to Remember’:

If you feel like nobody’s listening to your speech on liberal, independent women, try your next best option: Tears. Lots of them. Cry, cry, cry. Tears really can melt the hearts of your parents (unless they have a stone, in place of a heart). Stay sad all day long. Stay locked up in your room. This is also a great opportunity to practice your pouting skills. Refuse to eat. You may end up losing a few pounds, too! Skinny and single! OMG!

Don’t Be Yourself:

You’re beautiful, charming, intelligent, smart and sweet. If you be all this, of course they would want to wrap you up in ribbons and take you home. So, we’re going to do this differently.

Okay, so the rishta walas are there to see you. Your mom asks you to come and greet/meet them. Here’s what you have to do: Limp. Limp all the way from your room to the place where the LARKA WALAS are sitting. Limp like you’ve never limped in your life before. Limp for your independence ( try saying  this in your head in your best Nelson Mandela voice, to really get into the spirit of things).

If limping is really not your thing, you can do a number of other things. You can sit politely and after a while totally zone out. I’m talking about staring into space and maybe, even drooling a little. Or, if this is also not your thing, then you can try Miley Cyrus’s insanely famous, in vogue, tongue-hanging-out-in-the-air pose. This will surely get your message across to the rishta walas. What is the message? You’re not the larki they are looking for.

Ditch Your Martha Stewartness:

You’re a great cook. You love baking. You know this, your family knows this, and your friends know this, but do the rishta walas need to know? No. If asked if you cook something, then take a veryyyyy long pause and act as if you’re thinking realllllyyy hard then slowly say ‘I know how to cook Maggi?’

If asked if you actively participate in household chores, say yes. Tell them how ONLY last year you helped your mom in carrying the dishes to the dishwasher. Say this with bravado.

More Simple Ways to Scare Rishta Walas Away:

If they ask you a question, do not be polite. Answer back in a Munna Bhai-Tapori Style manner. For example, Q: Beyta, what do you do in your free time? Answer: ‘Apun k pass farigh waqt hota kub hay Maaamu? Hor jub hota bhi hey na toh apun mast sarkou pey idher udher firtti hey, bajaarou mey awaragardi kerti hey.Mast.

 Practice your obnoxious laughter because you’ll be needing it. Without any reason, just start laughing, when sitting with the guests. Like this: Rishtay Wali Aunty: Aj kal ki larkiya toh bilkul… You: HAHHAHAHA HOHOEHAHAHHEHOAHEGWSBW.

Tell them that you aspire to be like Veena Malik.

Consider investing in a horrible looking mask. Halloween is just around the corner, so you can kill two birds with one stone.

Wear your hair in two massive pigtails. And when greeting the guests, SKIP all the way. Do not walk, run or even limp. Just skip. Act as if you’re auditioning for Tigger’s role in a Winnie the Pooh Movie.

Important Note: Marriage is a great institution. If you are already married or are about to get married, then I couldn’t be happier for you and I wish you all the best. This post is not, in any way, meant to promote feminism. If you really are stuck in a situation where you do not want to get married, but are being pressurized by your family into marriage, just talk it over with them. Explain yourself, calmly. And then just pray. Leave it all to Allah. Seriously, this is the best advice I can give to you.  :)