How to Survive Desi Weddings (PART I):

             A couple of weeks back, I attended 3 back to back wedding functions and there were so many life changing lessons I learnt, like for example, if you have started to work out again, make sure not to go overboard with exercises like squats. Stiff legs and high heels don’t go well. You’ll just look like a T-Rex trying to maneuver its way through the entire function, trying its best not to trip and fall on people.

           Another important lesson I learnt during these weddings was that getting your mother to ask the incredibly handsome man's name (who is sitting right across your table) is a fail idea. Anyway, this post is not about life lessons learnt at life changing events like weddings, it’s about how to survive these functions.  Read on to know more about this handy survival guide.

Courtesy is Thy Name:                                                                  

If you are stuck at a mehndi function, say your polite Assalamoalikums and Walekumasalams to all the uncles and aunties and chachas and chachis and mamus and mamis…just everyone, okay. Try not to miss anyone because chances are the people that you’ve missed will hunt your parents down and complain how they thought you were such a well brought up child, but are not and they are just so disappointed in you.

Be Humane:

A lot is happening at a Desi wedding. You will usually find something to do. For example, my mom ditched me at a mehndi function to sit with her friends and I was sitting all alone. I think, I pouted for like an hour and then just got really bored of pouting. So, I decided to serve the humanity instead.

There were a couple of girls my age, who wanted to get a group photograph taken, I volunteered. I took pictures from a compact camera, with flash, without flash, then with a phone’s camera ( which was a really, really sleek phone and had an even sleeker result! I briefly entertained the idea of taking the phone home with me).

Other simple ways of serving humanity, at wedding functions:

Bring food and drinks for other wedding guests. (This is also a great opportunity to fill your own plate with more food without Aunties having an eyeful of your plate and telling you to go on a diet. Or telling stories about their own daughters/daughter-in-laws who live on apples and sometimes don’t eat apples, either, so basically, they are just living on air and water, hein?)

Serving a few bits and pieces of food to the stray cats under your table.

Update Your Playlists:

Family and friends of the bride and the groom usually have a few dance numbers prepared, too. You can watch those and try your best not to laugh at the boy who tries too hard to dance like Prabhu Deva. You will notice that there will be many songs, played at the wedding, which you initially hated, but by the end of the function, you might like them.

For example, I really did not like Lungi Dance at all, but at the mehndi, they danced on it so many times that I started to like it. My favorite part was where Honey Singh goes ‘Meray Baray Mey Wikipedia pey parh lo.’ Classic, Honey, just classic.

Look for Lookalikes:

Another really handy tip which I use when I get bored, at functions, is to look for lookalikes. I’m so into it that now it just happens automatically. For example, when they served the food at the mehndi, there was a person I spotted near a tandoor who looked exactly the same as one of my acquaintance’s husband. The resemblance was uncanny.

The Aunties:

First thing's first, you should know how to spot the Aunty Brigade. They are usually the life of the party, loud, obnoxious and with eyes which could see right through you. At functions, they sit together and look for innocent people to judge on.

If you spot them, plan a quick detour. However, if they get to you first or your planning skills have totally ditched you, remain calm. Take a deep breath and relax. Try recalling a Dalai Lama quote to really calm yourself.

Smile and greet them. Before they get a chance to say something nasty about you like ‘Beta, what happened to you? To your hair? To your face? To your existence?’  make an excuse like you are looking for the toilet and will be RIGHT BACK to play 21 Questions with them.

Not all aunty brigades are mean. Some might even surprise you by saying something nice about you. Accept the compliments, graciously.

What is Life?

The back to back weddings I attended were of really close family friends. However, if you find yourself at a wedding, where you don’t really know anyone, take the free time to think about your life. Where you’re headed at, what is the meaning of life and what is your purpose for being sent here?

Or play ‘Racing Moto’ on your cell phone, instead.